Carterness
by sgtat
Summary: Slightly sappy.


Title: Carterness

Author: sgtat

Season: One

Related Episodes/Spoilers: Stargate the movie, Children of the Gods, The Enemy Within

Disclaimer: I have no ownership in the Stargate franchise. If I did, I would not be writing fan fiction.

Characters: Sam Carter, Daniel Jackson

Pairings: Sam/Daniel friendship

Category: Light Angst

Rating: K+

Summary: Relatively sappy.

Samantha Carter didn't confide in anyone. She'd realized it years ago, at the Academy, and the analytical side of her had been fascinated. She hadn't thought about it in a while, but sitting in her new home in Colorado Springs, the issue resurfaced.

'You really will like me once you get to know me.' That's what she had told the Colonel a few days ago.

It was probably true that he would like her in time. The Colonel seemed decent and Sam was good at making friends, even when nerves had her acting ultra-aggressive and tougher-than-thou at their first meeting. But the Colonel would get over her little briefing room tirade. Moving a lot had honed her social skills enough to make her sure of winning him over. She'd learned as a kid to be friendly and outgoing, and she was always well-liked. But that 'once you get to know me'? Sam had to scoff at her own words. They were shallow, meaningless. No one ever got to know her. Not really. She didn't let them. Of course, they didn't know that. Sam had been told by many people over the years that she was 'refreshingly open'. What a joke. She was only open about things on the surface. Everyone fell for the act – no one tried to dig deeper, not knowing they needed to. They'd never have gotten far anyway.

Sam knew she was sulking, but for a change she allowed herself to indulge in a little morbid self-reflection. After all, it had been a rough week. And she was alone in the quiet of her house.

Sam shifted on her couch, suddenly feeling lonely. Which was exactly why she usually avoided thinking about this stuff. It wasn't a big deal to her that she lived alone, that she didn't have a busy social life and that she didn't have a guy she was seeing. However friendly and outgoing she had learned to be, Sam Carter was essentially an introvert. She liked her alone time. It was _feeling_ alone that occasionally got to her.

Sam thought about the people she knew in Colorado Springs. There were her old professors at the Academy, General Hammond and a handful of personnel at the base. She didn't know any of them on a personal level, except for General Hammond, who'd served with her father. But he was her CO now.

And then there was SG-1.

Her new team was precisely what had gotten Sam thinking in the first place. She'd only known the Colonel and Dr. Jackson for a week, and Teal'c for just a few days, but she already felt a desire to be close to them. It surprised her a little. She didn't usually feel that way about people, and certainly not her commanding officers. But Colonel O'Neill was different somehow. He was so laid back and sarcastic and he made the funniest lame jokes she'd ever heard. She liked him already. Dr. Jackson was another exception. He was "safe", being married and all, and there was just something so inviting about him. His worry over his wife left Sam wanting to hug him every five minutes, and his sweetness and gentle nature invited confidence. Not that Sam ever confided in anyone. She scoffed at herself again. The few times someone had seen her upset, she'd still never really told them why. No matter how much she wanted to. Sam longed to let people see inside her sometimes, but she also loathed the thought of it. What a paradox.

And then, of course, there was Teal'c. On the one hand Sam was wary of him, distrusting and guarded. He had been an agent of the enemy, and he had helped imprison them. On the other hand, he had saved their lives and she was grateful. She sympathized with his situation and wanted to help him adjust, to ease the pain he must feel at leaving his home, to lessen the culture shock, to offer friendship. Not that he'd given her the chance so far. He was even more reserved and closed off than she was. Sam smiled. Maybe she had a point in common with the massive Jaffa after all.

Sam sighed and stretched a little, easing a few stiff muscles. What a week. Barely back from their second trip through the gate and they'd already lost people, including Major Kawolsky. Sam frowned. She and Kawolsky hadn't exactly hit it off, but she had been prepared to be friends. The next thing she knew he was knocking her out cold in the elevator. She'd pretty much avoided him after that, even when she'd learned that he hadn't been acting of his own accord when he'd hurt her. She felt bad that he was dead, but when she thought about him, all she could think of was his behavior in the elevator. She hadn't been so scared of someone since she broke up with Jonas. And this time she'd actually gotten hurt.

Sam shivered. She got up and walked to the kitchen to make herself some tea. A lot had happened in a very short space of time. She'd moved to Colorado Springs, she'd met her new colleagues, she'd gone to two different planets and been in a couple of fire fights, she'd been taken prisoner and escaped, and she'd been knocked out in an elevator by one of their own. Over the last few days, Sam had found herself craving the time to sit down and mull it all over. She'd been relieved when the weekend finally arrived and she could absorb everything at her leisure for two days. Ironically, it was turning out to be rather depressing. And there was nobody to talk to about it.

She considered calling her dad or her brother but dismissed the idea quickly. They didn't really know her much better than anyone else, and her relationship with both of them was still somewhat strained. Not to mention she wouldn't be able to actually tell them anything. She'd probably feel worse after the conversation.

A quiet knock on her front door pulled Sam from her thoughts. She looked at the clock. It was nearly nine. Sam considered ignoring the visitor. She wasn't in the mood to entertain. She heard the knock again and sighed. It seemed peace and quiet and sulking in privacy was not in the cards.

Daniel Jackson was on her front porch when she opened the door, looking a little relieved to see her. How did he know where she lived?

"Dr. Jackson," she said in a surprised voice.

The archeologist looked suddenly shy and uncomfortable. The young man had his hands shoved in the pockets of a jacket that was too large for him. Sam thought he must have borrowed it from a friend. He probably hadn't had time to do much shopping since returning to earth.

"Hi."

Sam waited for more but apparently that was all she was going to get at the moment. She frowned at the man in front of her. His hair was messy, his clothes rumpled and he met her gaze only briefly before looking away. He looked tired and lost.

"Do you want to come in," she invited, her tone somewhere between soft and casual.

The Doctor flashed her an appreciative smile and stepped into her entry.

Sam consciously pushed her desire to be alone to the side. "I was just getting myself a cup of tea. Why don't you come into the kitchen and I'll make you some as well."

"Thanks." Jackson followed her to the room in question and leaned on the island counter while she poured hot water into mugs and dropped in tea bags.

"I hope you like peppermint," she said; "it's all I have at the moment."

"Peppermint is fine, thank you." Dr. Jackson smiled at her, looking shy again. Sam smiled back.

"So what brings you over here?" She tried to be casual, but Dr. Jackson grimaced a little.

"I just . . ." he trailed off, picking at an imaginary speck on his mug. "I just needed to get away from Jack's for a little while and I don't know anyone else in town, so . . ."

Sam raised her eyebrows. "'Jack's'? You mean Colonel O'Neill?"

"Yeah." Daniel looked at her directly for the first time. "Jack's been letting me stay with him until I can find a place."

"That's nice." Sam tried not to sound too surprised. The Colonel seemed alright, but he hadn't struck her as the kind of guy to do something like that. She'd thought Daniel was living on base or staying at a friend's. If the Colonel was that friend, the two of them must have gotten pretty close on the first Abydos mission. The thought had Sam feeling lonely again. She pushed it back to the side as Daniel spoke.

"Yeah. Jack's a good guy. Don't let him fool you."

Sam smiled and gave the archeologist a keen look. "But you needed to get away."

Dr. Jackson looked rueful. "I hope you don't mind that I came here. I remembered you mentioning the neighborhood and what your house looked like . . ."

Sam shook her head, slightly amused that he had risked knocking on the wrong door since he didn't have her actual address. She wondered why she didn't feel weirded out by it. "It's fine, Dr. Jackson. I wasn't really doing anything," she lied. "Just relaxing."

Dr. Jackson frowned slightly. "You don't have to call me Dr. Jackson," he said. "Daniel is fine. It's better, actually. I've always felt a little awkward about the formality of 'Dr.'"

Sam smiled. Maybe she'd get to be friends with this man sooner than she thought. She began to feel a little less lonely. "You can call me Sam."

"Thanks. I couldn't figure out if it should be Doctor or Captain."

"I noticed."

The two shared a quiet laugh, and a slightly awkward silence fell. Sam tried again.

"So why did you need to get away, Daniel?"

"Oh, just . . ." Daniel smiled shyly at her. Sam tried to look encouraging and wondered if she should ask him if he wanted to sit in the living room.

Daniel took a fortifying breath. "Jack's been really great. He's letting me stay with him, he took me shopping, he's letting me borrow some of his stuff, and he's been there for me about Shau're."

Sam nodded, knowing the 'but' was coming and not wanting to interrupt.

"He's been great," Daniel repeated. "But he doesn't really understand me."

Sam blinked. Daniel's tone was . . . lonely. Was it possible he felt as isolated as she did? Isolated enough to come to the house of a woman he'd just met in search of some company?

Daniel was eyeing her cautiously. Sam knew that her reaction would determine, for a while at least, the level of their friendship and his ease around her. She wanted to assure him that she didn't mind his presence, that she was there for him if he needed her – Sam could never say no to someone who needed her. And she really did want to be friends with him. Rather desperately at the moment. She smiled softly.

"Too military?"

Daniel nodded, his eyes taking on a slightly relieved look that she was accepting his explanation. "Yes, exactly. It's all business as usual to him. I mean, I know this stuff effects him too, but the way he deals with it is totally different from me. His idea of being supportive and comforting a friend is really good sometimes, but other times . . . it's just not what you need. Besides, I think we both needed a little space, after Kawalsky."

Sam couldn't suppress a wince at the mention of the Major's name, but Daniel was looking at his tea again and didn't notice. She found her gaze falling on her own mug and tried to focus back on Daniel. She was a little surprised at how forthcoming he was being. He may feel isolated but not for the same reasons Sam did, she realized. His isolation came from lack of acquaintance and reverse culture shock. Hers came from her refusal to let people get close to her. The thought made her feel alone again and she sipped her tea to distract herself and hide the shift in her feelings from the young archeologist whose eyes were locked on her face in the wake of her momentary silence. It tore at her soul a little when the distraction worked and he didn't notice anything amiss. He was obviously taking her silence merely as consideration of what he'd said. She should have gone into acting. She should have told him she needed his company as much as he needed hers. That she couldn't think about Kawalsky without a shiver going down her spine and that she felt guilty about it. That she was lonely and wished she could confide in someone. Anyone. That as much as she wished it, she knew she never would. She couldn't. Besides, _he_ had come to _her_ for comfort, not the other way around. His mind must be on overdrive about Shau're since her suggestion earlier that something of the host must remain.

"So you came here," Sam observed, prompting Daniel to talk some more while she pushed her own thoughts aside again, with effort.

Daniel looked embarrassed and talked quickly. "I know we've just met and we don't know each other very well yet, but, I don't know, you seem nice and I just thought, if you weren't busy and didn't mind the company, maybe we could, you know, hang out or something."

By the end Daniel sounded very uncertain. He was imposing and he knew it, and the desire for company was beginning to lose out to the desire to kick himself for being so presumptuous. Sam put a stop to that.

"Are you hungry? I was thinking of making some popcorn or something but I also have soup and some restaurant leftovers."

Daniel gave Sam a quick, scrutinizing glance. Apparently he was satisfied that she wasn't just being polite and he accepted the offer of popcorn. A few minutes later they were in the living room eating the salty snack and playing 'go fish'.

Sam decided it was nice to be spending time like this with Daniel, despite her earlier desire to be alone. She still felt down, but the distraction was helping, and Daniel seemed to be feeling better too by the end of their first game. Then Sam suggested they play cribbage and his face fell.

"What's wrong?"

Daniel wouldn't look at her. "They have a game like that on Abydos. Shau're taught me."

Oh. When she'd found out her mom was dead, Sam had been making cookies. She hadn't been able to bake them for years after that. Again, it was during her time at the Academy that she'd had to get over the association. One of the other female cadets had invited her to her parents' for the holidays, since Sam's dad was overseas. They had made cookies. It was either reveal this very personal issue to another person, or suck it up and make the stupid things. So she'd put on her best cheerful persona and baked cookies, heart aching the whole time. No one had noticed. She'd refused to cry herself to sleep.

The impulse to hug Daniel was back, this time as much for her own sake as for his. Sam settled for looking down at the deck of cards she held. She noticed her hands had gone cold and were shaking minutely. She ignored them.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Sam didn't really want to hear it, but she had to offer. If it was what Daniel needed, she'd give it to him. She'd try not to think about her mom while he talked about his wife.

Daniel hesitated, then shook his head. "Not tonight. Thank you." A gentle refusal without the sting of rejection. Sam nodded and dealt the cards for another round of 'go fish'. They were both very quiet and avoided eye contact for a while. Again, Daniel didn't pick up on her carefully hidden emotions. He didn't ask if anything was wrong. No one ever did.

Daniel left about an hour later, looking a little more cheerful. He gave Sam a brief awkward hug before he stepped outside, a silent thank you. She wished it had been longer. Sam was alone again in her house. She wanted to open the door and stop Daniel from driving away, invite him back for a movie, suggest that he sleep in the guest room, tell him she needed someone to just be there. But she couldn't bring herself to do it. She'd only known him for a week, and it wasn't her style anyway. Sam didn't do things like that. She didn't reach out for comfort. She never had.

Sam knew she'd probably sleep off her mood and be fine again in the morning, but it would be a tough night. Because she didn't tell people when she needed them. She didn't confide in anyone. She just wished someone knew her well enough that she didn't have to.


End file.
